TALK ABOUT REWARD

Communicating well can be gratifying

BY Archana Law

In a world where digital transformation is rapidly changing businesses and the way in which we interact in the workplace, effective communication has become an increasingly important skill.

Moreover, it plays an essential role in maintaining interpersonal relationships and navigating complexities that may arise due to personality differences, communication styles and overall levels of understanding.

This article proposes some ways to guide your conversations in directions that are more satisfying for both parties. While these strategies and skills are not all a person needs to know about talking, listening, collaborating and resolving conflicts, they constitute a worthwhile component of interpersonal communication.

The interpersonal communication field offers plenty of good advice but it may not be possible for a human being to follow it all.

For example, in the early 1990s, communication coach Kare Anderson wrote a delightful book about negotiation that included 100 specific ways in which to get more of what you want. The problem is that it’s virtually impossible to carry on a conversation and juggle 100 pieces of advice in your mind at the same time…

So that brings us to the matter of priorities. What’s the most important issue to focus on? And what types of action will have the most positive effects on people’s lives?

Summarised below are some critical principles of good interpersonal communication in ways that make them easier to remember, adopt and weave together.

LISTEN CAREFULLY Listen first, and acknowledge what you hear – even if you don’t agree with it – before expressing your experience or point of view. To get more of your conversation partner’s attention in tense situations, pay attention first. Listen and give a brief restatement of what you have heard (especially feelings) before you express your own needs or position.

The type of listening recommended here separates acknowledging from approving or agreeing. Acknowledging another person’s thoughts and feelings doesn’t mean that you approve of or agree with that person’s actions or way of experiencing, or that you will do whatever is asked.

PROVIDE CONTEXT Explain your conversational intent and invite consent. To help your conversation partner cooperate with you and reduce possible misunderstandings, start important conversations with a preface such as: ‘I would like to talk with you for a few minutes about (whatever subject). When would be a good time?’

This helps with treating others as consenting equals whose participation in a conversation with us is a gift and not an obligation.

SHARE HONESTLY Express your­self clearly and honestly. In simple language and at a slow pace, give your listeners more information about yourself using a wide range of ‘I’ statements.

The five main recommended messages state – in the first person – what you see, hear, sense, feel and do. For instance: ‘When I saw…’; ‘When I heard…’; ‘I felt… irritated/upset/stressed…’; ‘I want to…’; ‘I am…’

ASK QUESTIONS To coordinate our life and work with others, it helps to know more about what other people are feeling and thinking, wanting and planning. So ask and don’t assume. Remember that our usual ‘yes’/‘no’ questions actually tend to shut people down rather than opening them up.

Encourage people to share more of their thoughts and feelings through open-ended questions that allow for a wider range of responses.

BE APPRECIATIVE To build more satisfying relationships with the people around you, express greater appreciation, delight, affirmation, encouragement and gratitude.

It’s easy to see only what’s broken and needs fixing around us. However, satisfying relationships – in addition to a happy life – require us to notice and respond to what is delightful, excellent and enjoyable, and also accommodate differences and disagreements.

HANDLE EMOTIONS Imagine coming into work after a stressful morning when everything went wrong. Those frustrations stay in your mind and affect your mood long after the initial events have passed.

You start the day off with a meeting at which you’re clearly distracted and others may mistake your stress for disinterest. When you check in with team members for progress reports, you cross your arms and tap your foot, and appear to be impatient. And when someone asks for your information, you respond slowly.

This behaviour sends the wrong message to those around you. An occasional bad day isn’t a big deal; but if it becomes a pattern, it will cause ongoing problems.

Living and working with others are communication intensive activities. As individuals, we can all strive to listen without judgment, go into situations with an open mind and be patient with others. When we’re more aware of how our behaviour affects those around us, we can significantly improve how we communicate.