THE POWER OF SELF-COMPASSION

Being kind to ourselves is a sine qua non
BY Jayashantha Jayawardhana

When we experience a setback at work – whether it’s a quarter marked by dismal sales performance, being overlooked for a promotion, losing an important account to a competitor or an interpersonal conflict with a colleague – most of us tend to respond in one of two ways: we either become fiercely defensive and blame others or we blame ourselves.

Unfortunately, neither response is particularly helpful or healthy. Avoiding responsibility by being defensive may alleviate the sting of failure but it prevents us from learning and understanding what’s required to avoid repeating the same mistakes.

On the other hand, self-flagellation may seem warranted in the moment but it can lead to an inaccurately dismal assessment of our potential, which weakens personal development.

Suppose one of our closest friends faced a similar situation and confided in us. How would we respond?

Most likely with empathy, kindness, understanding and encouragement. It’s very doubtful that we would be critical or judgmental and nor would we allow that friend to seek a scapegoat. So what if we treated ourselves with the same kindness – and direct the same empathy that we offer others to ourselves?

That’s called self-compassion and it has been a critical subject of research in recent years. Psychologists are discovering that it is an excellent tool for improving performance in a variety of settings ranging from healthy ageing to athletics.

In her article ‘Give Yourself a Break: The Power of Self-Compassion,’ published in the Harvard Business Review (HBR), Serena Chen explains that “for non-academics, self-compassion is a less familiar concept than self-esteem or self-confidence. Although it’s true that people who engage in self-compassion tend to have higher self-esteem, the two concepts are distinct.”

She continues: “Self-esteem tends to involve evaluating oneself in comparison with others. Self-compassion on the other hand, doesn’t involve judging oneself or others. Instead, it creates a sense of self-worth because it leads people to genuinely care about their own wellbeing and recovery after a setback.”

So how do we recognise self-compassion in ourselves?

People with high levels of self-compassion exhibit three types of behaviour.

Firstly, they are kind rather than judgmental about their own failures and mistakes. Secondly, they recognise that failure is a shared human experience. And thirdly, they maintain a balanced approach to negative emotions when they stumble or fall short – they allow themselves to feel bad but don’t let those feelings take over. This means they’re strong enough to forgive themselves and bounce back.

It has been established that self-compassion strongly and positively correlates to a growth mindset. It fosters a drive for continuous self-improvement and authenticity – the sense of being true to oneself as opposed to simply playacting or playing along.

Here are three pointers…

GROWTH MINDSET While personal growth is a function of our determination, perseverance and hard work, the process often begins with reflection.

One of the major requirements for self-improvement is arriving at a realistic assessment of where we stand – i.e. our strengths and limitations. Convincing ourselves that we are better than we are leads to complacency while believing we’re worse than we are leads to defeatism.

When we treat ourselves with compassion, we’re better able to achieve a realistic self-appraisal, which is the bedrock of improvement. We’re also then motivated to work on our limitations and muster the grit required to improve ourselves and cultivate positive habits.

AUTHENTICITY Self-compassion offers benefits in the workplace beyond catalysing our drive to improve. Over time, it can help us gravitate to roles that better fit our personality and values. Being authentic leads to increased motivation and drive, and other mental health benefits.

Sadly, authenticity remains elusive to many of us in the workplace. We may feel trapped in jobs where we have to suppress our true selves because of conflicting norms, self-doubt about what we have to contribute and where, or fears about being judged nega­tively by our colleagues and superiors.

But self-compassion can help us evaluate our professional and personal trajectories.

SELF-COMPASSION Treating ourselves with kindness and understanding – without judgement – lessens our fears about social disapproval and paves the way for authenticity.

A positive outlook on life encourages us to take risks such as showing our true selves. This shift enables us to become natural optimists who don’t flee from challenges and setbacks. As leaders, we must always remember that our ability to show compassion to others begins with being compassionate towards ourselves.