LISTENING SKILLS
THE NUGGETS OF COMMUNICATION
Pallavi Pinakin describes the nuts and bolts of being an effective listener
When it comes to improving our communication skills, many of us have a tendency to focus mostly on speaking well and getting our message across. What’s often overlooked is the crucial role that listening plays, which is very much part and parcel of being an effective communicator.
The best leaders and conversationalists know this very well and practise it in their daily interactions. Inspiring tales of beloved CEOs abound – those who greet both the vice president and doorman by name, as well as remember to check whether the receptionist’s mother’s surgery went well and how the salesman’s children fared in their exams.
Behind each of these iconic personalities lies a genuine mastery of the skill of listening.
Yet, science has suggested that most of us are actually pretty poor listeners. We tend to tune out while other people are talking, already planning what we’ll say next – so that we sound smart and awesome!
Another common tendency is to bring the conversation back to ourselves as soon as possible by saying: ‘I know exactly how you feel. The same thing happened to me when…’ Or we simply pretend to listen and offer a cursory ‘uh-huh’ while using that time to think about something completely unrelated.
In all these different ways, we focus on ourselves rather than the other person, which is incompatible with being a good listener.
To forge more meaningful relationships and inspire greater respect, trust and loyalty among your peers, brush up on your listening skills. The end goal is to leave people feeling better about themselves and their situation following an interaction with you – not feel worse!
Here are some key listening habits to develop so you can become a more intelligent and empathetic communicator, both at work and in your personal life.
USE THEIR NAME A person’s name is the single-most important word for them. It’s closely linked to their personal identity, which means it is essential you get it right. Think about how you feel when someone repeatedly mispronounces your name or makes fun of how it sounds.
Simply taking the trouble to learn someone’s name goes a long way to strengthening your interaction skills. So next time, pay attention when people you meet introduce themselves – and use their name in the conversation that follows (if you don’t quite catch it, ask them to repeat it and practise saying it).
And there are bonus points if you get it right the next time you meet. Communication gurus make it a point to jot down names for better recall.
LISTEN ACTIVELY People often think of listening as a passive skill – after all, you only need to hear what the other person is saying and nod along, right? Not quite. Active listening involves both listening attentively and responding appropriately.
For instance, if someone tells you he received an award at work, you could respond in four different ways – viz. active and constructive (‘That’s amazing!’ ‘How did it happen?’ ‘Let’s celebrate!’); passive and constructive (‘Good news!’ ‘Well done!’); active and destructive (‘Does this mean they’re going to dump even more work on you?’); or passive and destructive (‘Where’s the TV remote?’).
Clearly, the best response is active and constructive: you are being positive, interested and engaged. Isn’t this the kind of reaction we all want when we share good news?
RESPONSE PATH Many communications experts recommend the following steps to guide your response as a listener: paraphrase, inquire and acknowledge.
In other words, express your understanding of the situation, pose pertinent questions and offer empathy. Paraphrasing a message shows the other person that you’ve heard her and creates space for clarification. Asking relevant questions allows the speaker to explain the situation in more detail and volunteer information that may help you too.
Finally, an empathetic acknowledgment indicates that you genuinely care about someone’s experience and have tried to put yourself in his shoes. The three-step response process is particularly helpful for those who aren’t naturally adept at building rapport with people.
DETAILS MATTER By listening attentively, you gather background information that you’d otherwise miss – such as clues to what the other person is interested in, and her history and outlook on life. By identifying these nuggets, you have the opportunity to ask smart questions and transform superficial small talk into a more meaningful interaction.
Studies have proven that we love to talk about ourselves. So why not offer others an opportunity to share what’s closest to their heart? Moreover, by referring to the little details mentioned by the speaker, you demonstrate that you’ve been listening carefully and find his or her words to be invaluable.
In today’s employee management, the most challenging task of a manager would be conflict revolution. You need to listen patiently all aspects of the issue and get a holistic picture, in order to resolve a conflict. HR Professionals should have good listening skills, not only to effectively manage employees, but to manage any relationship.
For example, consider our relationships with our immediate family members. You can’t manage those without listening to each other. Hence, the harmony of relationships lies with your ability to understand the fact that everyone has a right to speak. Active listening brings relief to the aggrieved people, when in grievance handling. Don’t you think that friendships too are built when listening to people? All the people who are favoured by other persons are good listeners.
Further to the above nuts and bolts, self-learning is another option that can be added to that toolkit. One can be a teacher to himself or herself and be self-taught. This can be done by observing and reviewing oneself and others’ behaviours, communications and listening habits.
Rating a given method as productive is subjective. Nuts and bolts may come handy depending on the situation, personality type, group of people, and can be influenced by cultural beliefs. At times, even if a reasonably good option is applied, the result may not be favourable, nor as expected, due to the diversity of people and the environment they live or work in.
The ability of cultivating effective listening skills to fit a given situation and take it to the next level of progress, indicates a person’s level of intelligence.
Interactions are required for listening to be successful.
Those who brag about themselves often become the centre of attraction at the expense of meaningless conversations. Such people build connections which won’t last long, much like bubbles that would burst.
Those people who would only speak to you if you meet them, cannot remember your name and would not make a reasonable attempt to do so, are poor listeners. On the contrary, eavesdropping is a bad habit which can form wrong perceptions and spread incorrect information. Being too inquisitive and curious are not qualities of a good listener.
However, you need not get hurt by other people’s poor listening skills. What we can do is to learn from their weaknesses and aim ourselves to take the advantages of being good listeners.
Humans having two ears and one mouth is proof for the fact that humans need to be better listeners, rather than speakers. A good listener can draw his/her path to be a good communicator. It also gives rise to hone non-verbal communication skills such as body language, which is perceived to be powerful and reveal more than verbal communication.
Generally those with a good listening skills are able to enhance their open mindedness, empathy and be more flexible; unlike people with poor listening skills, who are driven by ego or pride, and go on to talk most of the time about themselves (hoping others would listen to them). Good listeners can spark simple and brilliant ideas and serve the needy, make and feel others good, build trust and better understanding within the community.
By building and expanding one’s cognitive capacity, a person can sharpen his or her senses, reasoning capacity, acquire knowledge for deep senses and thereby have better insights to understand and effectively deal with various personalities from all walks of life.