COPING MECHANISMS

LET IT GO!          

Control what you can and accept what you can’t by Archana Law

Fear of the unknown or loss or dread that if we loosen our grip, everything will fall apart isn’t uncommon. In fact, it shows that we’re human and not alone.

The desire for control makes sense, feels safe and provides (temporary) relief. When life seems manageable and orderly, our bodies relax and our minds quieten down. We feel like we know where we’re going and how to get there.

But the problem is that life doesn’t work that way!

No matter how carefully we plan, we aren’t the sole authors of our circumstances. We age and fall ill, relationships falter and global events unfold without our permission. Despite doing everything right, some outcomes still surprise us.

Trying to control everything often turns into chronic stress, anxiety, perfectionism and self-blame. We assume that we failed and take it personally when others don’t understand us. When the future feels uncertain, we brace ourselves – as if worrying might somehow protect us, even though worry creates more tension.

For most people, the need for control is rooted in early experiences of growing up in chaotic, critical or emotionally inconsistent environments, which taught us to be hyper vigilant to prevent pain.

Over time, this super scrutiny becomes a habit and what once protected can later imprison us, as psychologist Dr. Steven Hayes explains through acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).

Pain, uncertainty and loss are part of the human experience; they’re not signs that something is wrong. Therefore, acceptance isn’t passive resignation; instead, it is a matter of acknowledging reality so you can respond wisely.

The question ‘what now?’ is where empowerment lies. A helpful way to loosen the grip of control is to clearly separate what is beyond your control from what’s within it.

The circle of concern and circle of influence are concepts that were popularised by author Dr. Stephen Covey. They offer a simple but transformative framework for resolving problems more effectively – especially in times of stress and uncertainty, or when feeling overwhelmed.

At their core, these circles help us distinguish between where our energy is drained and where our power lives.

Your circle of concern includes everything you care about but can’t directly control. This may include other people’s choices and behaviour, global events and crises, the past, the economy or job market, ageing, mortality, outcomes and timing.

Meanwhile, your circle of influence includes everything you can affect directly – even if the impact is small. It includes your thoughts, interpretations and self-talk; emotions and how you regulate them; your behaviour and effort; boundaries and communication; the choices you make; how you care for your body and mind; and how you respond to challenges.

Shifting your attention from what you can’t control to what you can reduces feeling emotionally overwhelmed and regulates the nervous system once more. This is necessary for clear thinking and decision making. Asking yourself what the one thing is you can do right now that’s within your control leads directly to action and reinforces a sense of coping.

Research shows that the ability to be open to difficult thoughts and feelings while acting in alignment with our values is one of the strongest predictors of resilience and mental health. People who can accept discomfort without becoming overwhelmed by it are more likely to experience growth after adversity.

Though they don’t avoid pain, they don’t let it define them either. They understand that thoughts are not commands, feelings aren’t permanent and discomfort isn’t dangerous.

Letting go in practice refers to a series of small, compassionate choices. When you notice the urge to control, pause and ask yourself what you’re feeling – is it anxiety, fear or sadness? Identify what’s within your control, the response, any boundaries and the next steps.

Let go of perfectionism. Talk to yourself kindly – because control thrives on self-criticism while compassion dispels it.

Practise acceptance deliberately. Instead of thinking ‘this shouldn’t be happening,’ try asking: ‘Since this is happening, what do I need to do right now?’

Channel energy wisely. If you can’t change a situation, invest your energy where it can make a difference – such as by helping, healing, creating or resting. To stop insisting on a controlled life, isn’t weakness – it’s wisdom.