THE POWER OF SELF-COMPASSION

Self-love motivates people to get back in the saddle BY Archana Law

In his book titled ‘The Biology of Belief: Unleashing the Power of Consciousness,’ Dr. Bruce Lipton asks: “If you could be anybody, who would you be?” Most of us spend an inordinate amount of time pondering this question, obsessed with the fantasy that we can change our identity – because we want to be anybody but ourselves.

When Valentine’s Day comes around, there’s a rush to celebrate one’s love for others – but what about including yourself in the love fest?

Many people cringe at that concept because it’s considered selfish, narcissistic or cheesy new-age nonsense. In some circles, self-sacrifice is the nobler ticket; and it’s socially acceptable to practise modesty and talk about one’s shortcomings – instead of one’s strengths – although research shows that negative self-perceptions undermine career success.

‘Why aren’t I good enough?’ may be a question you’ve asked yourself when you failed to get something you have wanted, someone doesn’t return your interest, you can’t find the willpower to break self-sabotaging habits and so on. This vicious cycle causes us to engage in further destructive habits that empower limiting beliefs and more self-rejection.

When we criticise ourselves, we tap into one of the body’s quickest and most easily triggered threat defence systems: our reptilian brain. This means that self-criticism is often our first reaction when things go wrong.

Feeling threatened puts stress on the mind and body; and chronic stress causes anxiety and depression. With self-criticism, we’re both attacker and victim.

In a world that often prioritises achievement, productivity and external validation, self-compassion can feel like a radical act. Neuroscientists have found that self-love in place of self-judgement motivates us to get back in the saddle. Usually, we think of compassion in terms of others… but when we direct it towards ourselves, it’s about embracing our vulnerability and reclaiming power.

The transformative effects of self-compassion are linked to the mammalian care system that helps us downgrade the threat response, and make us feel safe and cared for like a child in a warm embrace.

When the stress response (fight-flight-freeze) is triggered by a threat to how we view self, we’re likely to turn on ourselves in an unholy trinity of reactions. We fight ourselves (self-criticism), flee from others (isolation) or freeze (rumination).

And when we practise self-compassion, we’re deactivating the threat defence system and activating the care system. Oxytocin and endorphins are released to help reduce stress, and increase feelings of safety and security.

Self-compassion involves treating yourself the way you’d treat a friend who is having a hard time… even if your friend blew it, is feeling inadequate or simply facing a tough time.

The more complete definition involves three core elements that we bring to bear when we’re in pain: self-kindness, common humanity (the recognition that everyone make mistakes and feels pain) and mindfulness.

While some people experience self-compassion naturally, others need to learn it. Here are a few suggestions to bring self-compassion into your life using physical, mental, emotional, relational and spiritual methods.

PHYSICAL RELIEF Eat something healthy, lie down and rest your body. Massage your own neck, feet or hands. Take a walk. Do whatever you can to feel better by giving yourself a dose of self-compassion.

WRITE A LETTER Describe the situation that’s causing you pain without passing blame; instead, simply acknowledge your feelings in a letter to yourself.

BE COMPASSIONATE If something bad or painful happens to you, think of what you’d say to a good friend if the same thing had happened to him or her, and direct that compassion towards yourself.

BE NEUTRAL Practise being nonjudgmental about your thoughts, feelings and actions without trying to suppress or deny them. When you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see, accept both bad and good with a compassionate attitude.

LOVE YOURSELF It’s necessary to be kind to ourselves – our little peculiarities, small embarrassments, the things we don’t do well etc.

We are the whole package, and need to love ourselves and others (with all their shortcomings), and have a deep appreciation for who we all are at the core. If you aren’t willing to love yourself today, then you’re not going to love yourself tomorrow – because whatever excuse you have today will be there tomorrow.

Love is something we can choose in the same way we do with anger, hatred or sadness. It’s always a choice within us.

In the words of the 13th century Persian poet Rumi, “your task is not to seek for love but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”