TEENAGE MANNERS

Well-mannered children from good parenting

BY Goolbai Gunasekara

In schools, teachers don’t look for social poise. They look for politeness; obeying of rules; control of voice decibel levels; neatness; cleanliness; and of course, regular study habits. How their charges behave in society is not thought to be a teacher’s business.

Alas! Teens of today do not seem to have naturally good manners. They often don’t know how to respond politely to adults. My generation knew what was expected of us. When our parents met other adults, we said ‘hello’ – and then shut up. We never interrupted adult conversations or looked impatient. We were not expected to talk. We were not reasonably blameworthy!

Today, teenagers are often an unprepossessing bunch – and I am not talking about fashion.

Here is one example of their disheartening social ineptitude…

At a ladies’ tea party a few years ago, the young son of the house was brought out. He was annoyed to have been called upon, and looked sulky and bored during the few minutes he spent in the company of adults. The expected ‘hello, Aunty’ wasn’t heard.

Being a teacher myself, I am interested in children’s reactions when I’m meeting them for the first time in a social setting. With my pupils, there’s a definite code of behaviour; but social interaction is another matter, and I find that being able to talk easily and with aplomb is not a talent that comes naturally.

So it was with pleasure (and much surprise) that I found the young grandson of a friend displaying an unusually attractive manner upon meeting a group of adults in my drawing room.

He had been picked up from school in the afternoon and was tired, and probably hungry. Nonetheless, 14 year old Aman politely acknowledged the personal comments twittering ladies made on his growth and appearance, and then sat quietly while the ladies twittered on.

I was able to chat to him while organising his tea, which he ate with a healthy appetite and no embarrassment. He had beautiful manners – he answered questions on his school, interests and teachers; and then sat without a fidget until called upon by his grandmother – who was extremely proud of him (as she might well be, since Aman was clearly a great success with older ladies).

He said his goodbyes with panache, having sat around for over two hours without once complaining. Truly, he must have had excellent parenting.

My sec ond example is a child who was a month short of three. Again, excellent parenting was obvious but what surprised me was his level of conversation. Having a maid who spoke to him in Sinhala and Tamil, he was conversant in both. He spoke perfect English to me and in full sentences! I do not pretend to be knowledgeable about early childhood attainments but know enough to be aware of precocity when I see it.

Again, good behaviour was noticeable. He played by himself, allowing the adults to enjoy their coffee. He sat quietly with his maid for over an hour. His meeting with strangers was unexpectedly mature. He knew kissing was taboo – so when we met, he placed his head on my hand for a moment and smiled up at me. When leaving, he touched my hand and said: “See you.” Can I be blamed for being totally impressed?

Such incidents do not happen magically. Both children showed tremendous parental attention to good behaviour and socially acceptable manners. It helped that one mother was a highly qualified psychologist. Both mothers regarded childcare as a vocation and their attention showed excellent results.

Lest I give the impression that a mother needs to be in constant attendance on her child, such is not my intention. Mothers have careers. They often work full-time. Organisation and time management are needed. It is not the length of time that’s important but the quality of attention that parents give their offspring.

Working parents need timing. Apart from helping with homework and other daily duties, I suggest dinners are always eaten together as a family and that conversations are pleasant. One student who got an A for her A-Level economics paper told me that much of her knowledge was thanks to the erudite chats her parents had during and after dinner.

The fact that her father was a high-up government official helped. Anything can be discussed at dinner but family togetherness makes for a happy child. Good manners, religious beliefs and behaviour patterns are eventually learnt from such important time given by parents.

To this day, I recall discussing the Ramayana and my father telling me that contrary to the revered Prince Rama, he felt King Ravana was the real hero of the saga. In his opinion, Rama was a chauvinistic figure who treated his wife badly!

So parents, begin talking to your offspring and you’ll educate them without their knowing it. Interesting and interested parents are the most effective means of good parenting. If time is a problem, ensure that every minute is well spent.