GASLIGHTING IN THE OFFICE

Manilka Ediriweera explains how to stop being controlled and manipulated

Have you ever been called ‘crazy’ or ‘too sensitive’? Has your version or recollection of events been questioned or deemed false? If any of this has happened to you, the chances are that you have experienced gaslighting.

While gaslighting is commonly associated with relationships, it can happen in the workplace too. It happens when your boss or colleague manipulates you in various ways to the point where you question yourself – your sanity, memory of events or perceptions.

For example, you may be experiencing harassment at work by your boss or coworkers. And if the response you get when you address this issue is being told that you are crazy or that it isn’t what happened, you are unfortunately a victim of gaslighting in the workplace.

While the common understanding is that gaslighting means bullying or exclusion, it is more than that. It is a highly insidious, inappropriate and manipulative practice that forces the ‘gaslightee’ (the person who is being gaslighted) to question himself or herself. It is a game of power abuse with the ultimate intention of controlling and manipulating an individual or a situation.

Constant undermining or exclusion results in people’s confidence and self-esteem taking a hit. Their productivity levels suffer, and they begin doubting themselves, feeling unwell and developing trust issues. And once they begin questioning everything, it is a done deal as it paves the way for a vicious cycle of manipulation and denial – precisely what the ‘gaslighter’ intends to do.

The longer it goes on, the less likely one is to seek help. That’s because the gaslightee becomes more convinced that it is he or she who’s crazy. Eventually, it will take a toll on the victim’s personal life and relationships too.

Unfortunately, gaslighting is commonplace. And that brings us to the next questions – how does it happen and what are some signs of gaslighting?

Gaslighting behaviour is relatively covert as gaslighters are experts in undermining employees in subtle and sneaky ways that aren’t easy to prove. Even though it happens subtly, there are telltale signs that you can watch out for.

Some common signs of gaslighting include a lack of openness and transparency; failing to provide full details or facts and setting up a person to fail; propagating negative and untrue narratives about you and/or your performance; becoming defensive and lashing out when you challenge them; denying something they’ve said even when you have proof; never recording meeting minutes or notes, and refusing to follow policies unless or until it affects the business.

Now that you know some common signs of gaslighting, it is also essential to be aware of a gaslighter’s vocabulary so that you can watch out for that as well.

Their vocabulary includes phrases such as ‘you’re crazy’; ‘you are too sensitive’; ‘I didn’t say that’; ‘you’re acting insane’; ‘what are you talking about?’; ‘it didn’t happen that way, you are remembering wrong’; ‘everyone thinks you’re crazy’; ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’; and ‘you’re reading too much into this.’

The utterance of such phrases followed by constant repetition invalidates your feelings and makes you feel insecure.

You can now recognise some common signs of gaslighting and phrases a gaslighter may use. So here are a few things you can do to handle the issue if you suspect you’re a victim of this behaviour.

The first step is to document things that have been said and examples of times you’ve felt gaslighted. With this evidence, you can address your gaslighter directly. But the gaslighter is unlikely to admit to his or her behaviour even when you present evidence to support your claims.

Experiencing gaslighting and confronting a gaslighter can be a traumatic experience. Therefore, creating some physical space and maintaining your composure when handling such situations is vital because showing signs of distress can encourage further manipulation.

The key here is to find someone you can trust. You can bring up what’s been happening and ask if they’ve experienced anything similar or request that they act as witnesses.

Raise the issue with HR or management and seek their support because they will know how to handle the problem best. When doing so, take all the documentation and supporting evidence you’ve collected.

It’s impossible to thrive in a toxic work environment with people who constantly undermine your success, limit opportunities for development and diminish your self-esteem. Therefore, it is crucial that you don’t dismiss your feel-ings and try to put an end to gaslighting.

But you may not always be able to put a stop to it. In such a situation, it is best to accept that the current work situation is not favourable and seek a change, because your health and self-worth matter more.