THE SELF-IMPROVEMENT PIT

Manilka Ediriweera cautions against falling into a trap of self-degradation

Wherever you look, there are messages about being better or creating the best life possible. It’s all about finding happiness, fixing your issues and improving yourself. There’s nothing wrong with self-improvement – after all, that’s how we grow, mature, and navigate the many twists and turns that life throws our way.

However, there’s a danger lurking in the shadows of self-improvement. And that’s the ‘pit of self-improvement.’

So what is this particular trap?

It’s when a healthy desire to grow turns into self-degradation: that fine line between ‘I want to be better’ and ‘I’m not good enough’… or ‘I can be healthier’ and ‘I’m unhealthy.’

When self-improvement is driven by one’s inner critic, it can turn into a toxic story that your mind believes. Then you aren’t trying to grow anymore; instead, you’re trying to fix something that you are convinced is wrong with you.

And when you add this to the cultural obsession with self-improvement, things take an even trickier turn. Everywhere we look, there’s something new to chase – it could be a fresh workout, a new self-help hack or a trendy lifestyle upgrade, which can make you feel inadequate and exhausted.

The reason we keep falling into this trap is because human beings are wired to want more.

We are always thinking of ways to improve life. While that instinct helped our ancestors survive, in today’s modern world of marketing and social media driven comparisons, it seems to be harming us more than helping us improve.

Firstly, today’s comparison game is very strong. We are now comparing ourselves to everybody – friends, influencers, and even complete strangers and the idealised online versions of themselves.

Secondly, it’s hedonic adaptation (our ability to constantly adapt). So we buy or gain something, get used to it and soon we’re chasing the next major dopamine hit.

Thirdly, there’s the pressure of perfection that comes with self-improvement. It stops us from being productive and actually improving. Instead, it’s stressful, causes anxiety and is downright exhausting.

When self-improvement paints such a picture and you are constantly trying to fix yourself, you’re focussing more on what’s wrong than right.

It shouldn’t be about achieving an ideal version of yourself or fixing flaws; instead, it should be about genuine curiosity, playfulness, delight and enjoying the ride.

But when you put more effort into fighting the old over building the new, ‘I must fix myself because I’m not good enough’ takes centre stage and becomes the predominant undertone of life. And this makes self-improvement more challenging because it carries the weight of powerlessness, shame, weakness and struggle.

We shouldn’t stop improving ourselves; and we mustn’t ditch self-improvement altogether. But we should not fall into the self-improvement trap.

The best way to do this is through mindfulness.

Mindfulness, which is the art of being fully present in the moment, is about tuning out the noise and into yourself. It’s about stepping away from the self-improvement race and asking ‘what’s really driving me?’

It can help in many ways. For one, mindfulness can help you appreciate who you are without making you strive to be someone else. It reminds you that you are enough – right here, right now.

You can also choose not to let your inner critic rule your thoughts. And mindfulness will help you step away from an overthinking and overanalytical mind, and be more focussed on the goals that genuinely work for you. It also helps you to avoid hedonic adaptation and reconnect with gratitude.

With that being said, it’s okay to have challenges. While most of this is easier said than done, it doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to achieve contentment. All it takes is practice.

So it’s all right to have negative thoughts and feel insecure – and it’s not your fault because all of us have felt this way at some time or the other… so much so that it could be said that it’s inherent in the human condition. And if you can’t see it in others, that’s only because they hide it well.

Therefore, don’t settle. Find the balance that works for you and appreciate where you are while working towards where you want to go. Let go of the endless chase towards self-improvement and give yourself permission to simply be you – because at the end of the day, life isn’t a race to perfection.

Avoiding falling into the self-improvement trap isn’t about stunting growth. It’s about redefining self-improvement and shifting from ‘I am not enough’ to ‘I’m enough but there’s room for me to learn and grow.’

So stop chasing perfection and start celebrating progress, no matter how small it is. Let’s give ourselves the chance to live, breathe and thrive.

Life isn’t a race to perfection