PARENTS TAKE NOTE!

An analysis of types of difficult parents

BY Goolbai Gunasekara

 

We endlessly contemplate the problematic child. His or her desires, motives, frustrations, food habits and personality traits are constantly discussed by educationists, child psychologists and of course, parents.

But as far as I know, no one has really studied difficult parents and asked them to take a long hard look at themselves. At principals’ meetings, we would often grumble about troublesome parents but this was more about their relationship with us personally and not their offspring.

Let’s discuss this opinion: ‘There are no problem children – only problem parents.’

In the course of my teaching career, I’ve had to cope with literally hundreds of parents. Many were delightful people and a pleasure to have known but let me touch on those who could have done a better job of parenting.

The ‘health freak parent’ (usually the mother) is extremely worried about cleanliness – even the high standard of toilets in international schools are insufficiently antiseptic to please her. One wonders how she would have handled the plumbing facilities 50 years ago, which did not provide hand bidets, toilet paper or even bars of soap.

If her child is in the kindergarten, the concern is intense. Short of spraying Lysol everywhere, she makes life a misery for the poor woman whose business it is to keep the kiddies’ bathroom dry and usable at all times.

She visits at least twice a week to tell me the shortcomings of school hygiene. Other than putting the child in an air-conditioned bubble, I do not see how he is going to cope in this unsterile world.

Then there’s the ‘ambitious parent.’ Properly channelled ambition is not a bad thing. It must be used to give the child encouragement and ensure pleasant study conditions. But this is not what happens.

Ambitious parents often extend their ambitions to check whether other children are doing better – and why. At home, the child is harassed to study harder and for longer hours. His or her mother visits the school at least twice a week to talk to her child’s teachers and argue over some minor correction.

Teachers tend to try and avoid her but in spite of school rules prohibiting contact without a prior appointment, she manages a confrontation at the school gate… or else, by frequent and irritating phone calls. She quarrels with the form teacher about prizes. And she insists on every test paper being re-corrected, visiting me in the office every fortnight… until I suggest that she might like to try another school.

The ‘indulgent parent’ is a true-to-life example, which is rare I am glad to say. But this parent nonetheless managed to make four children’s lives less than successful, happy or achieving. The mother in this case was a beautiful and charming lady with four daughters. I taught two of them history and found they were extremely bright.

Their mother was pleased but not overly concerned with studies. “I only want them to be happy,” she declared, frequently. They took her at her word… and self-indulgence was the order of the day. Unable to compete with trips to the jungles, cutting school on rainy days and enjoying picnics at all times, their studies took a backseat,

One girl started a little romance with a highly unsuitable young man who eventually blackmailed the family with her letters to him. Three daughters were married and soon divorced, and returned to their childhood home where ‘happiness’ was guaranteed.

It was a total waste of talent and ability…

The ‘bullying parent’ can frighten a child. This occurs mostly with fathers and usually concerns boys. Of course, it has happened with girls too but actual nastiness has been reserved for recalcitrant boys. This type of father rarely takes the blame for his child’s rebellious actions. He believes in corporal punishment – and we learn that the child is given regular beatings.

Of course, the school has absolutely no way to prevent parental abuse. One sad incident happened many years ago. While measuring a child for a costume, the teachers discovered strange bruises on the girl’s back and arms. She was 13 and being sexually abused by an uncle.

The parents were alerted but we realised to our horror that they were aware of it. They were financially dependent on the uncle and put up with it. Even if we had reported the matter, it would have been vigorously denied by the family. The girl was removed from school and I didn’t see her again.

It is reassuring to know that most mothers and fathers I got to know during my teaching career were caring, intelligent and loving parents.

Parenting seems to be an inborn trait. There is a great deal of truth in the saying that ‘a family that prays together stays together.’ I would like to leave parents with that thought.